The Other Side of the Holiday Season

(An Aldous the Angry Wizard Story)

Tree TF, Toy Soldier TF

By grapehyacinth 

Aldous hated the holiday season. To this day, his daughter called him 'Scrooge', although she did understand his sentiments. It wasn't as if he did not like to celebrate, but in this day and age, things had grown so commercial, so out of proportion, it was incredible. When he was a young wizard's apprentice so many years ago, things had been so much simpler. There wasn't so much the holiday parties and the crazy-gift-giving like today. Even now, his wife was out, rushing through the crowds to get last-minute gifts for everyone from the garbage man to the neighbors five blocks away.

And, for the eightieth time or so, they had had their annual holiday fight, in which she begged him to join her in her gift-search. And every year he had declined. This year the fight had been especially virulent, culminating in his threatening that he would be gone for the whole last half of December. His wife's response was, “good riddance”.

And so, with misgivings, he made his way over to the state forest nearby. Pushing his way through the underbrush, he searched for the perfect sunny clearing. Maybe a quarter of a mile in, he came upon a meadow, the brownish grass nibbled short by deer. The winter sun beamed down on him, and he knew he was in the perfect spot.

He walked into the very middle, pulled a small bottle from his pocket, and downed the contents.

“Mm. Transformation potions always taste good with a touch of honey.” He smiled, and stripped his clothes off as tingles of change began to run through him. Tossing the clothes into a pile beside him, he pushed his feet in the sand just as their forms began to alter.

“Ah, I love root growth,” he commented, as his toes elongated and wandered deeper into the soil as roots. He ran his hands down his naked, shuddering body as the potion swept through him and his legs melded into one solid trunk. There was nothing like turning into a tree, he thought. Nothing. And here he was, becoming a beautiful pine, his skin hardening into a chocolate-brown bark as branches sprouted from it. He held out his arms and grinned as they became still and branch-like. “This potion is giving me very nice bark,” he observed out loud. “Very nice potion.”

He now was three-quarters tree, with only a human head and shoulders remaining. Soon this all coalesced into more branches and a pointy top, and pine needles burst from everywhere. He let out his last happy sigh before his face disappeared, becoming a very faint set of divots in the bark.

Ah, finally I can relax, he thought to himself with relief. He stretched his branches out so they would catch the most sun, and he enjoyed the last bits of pleasure from his transformation as it ran through his trunk. This is the most delightful vacation to have. Invigorating, and no one at all to bother me. For two whole weeks!

Aldous had purposely fabricated the potion to revert him back to humanity only in two weeks, so no one, including himself, could change him back before. First of all, he needed the calming full two weeks as a tree, and second, this would get him past the hated holidays.

Aldous luxuriated in the sun day after day, drinking the water through his roots, and delighting in the birds roosting on his branches. They sang through his pine needles, and he decided that once he turned back, he would become birds with his wife after a while. If she'd have him. She was probably pretty furious with him by now.

That night, he was awoken from his slumber by a light rain, which felt positively restorative as it touched his branches. The next morning, the sun rose on a colder day, and the water turned to ice on every needle. It felt quite nice, and he imagined he must be quite beautiful, twinkling in the sun. After all, he was the perfect tree. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Then that night, perhaps about midnight, he heard some hushed voices. Soon he saw the glare of flashlights, and there before him, stood a man, woman, and two teens.

“Perfect, Dad! Look at this one, all alone, like it's waiting for us!” cried one son.

“It's beautiful, Wade,” said the wife.

No! Aldous cried in his head. I'm not really a tree! You bastards can't cut me down! I was growing so nicely! You'll ruin my vacation!

But alas, as Aldous was locked into his form for two weeks, he could not fight the axe that was chopping through his perfect trunk. It did not hurt, but it served to enrage him greatly.

Aldous was tossed over the top of the family's car and secured down by string. Unfortunately the father had not done a good job, because a sharp turn of the car sent Aldous flying. As he lay helpless on the side of the highway, he silently cursed the family as well as himself. I knew I shouldn't have locked the spell in like that!  He watched as the father pulled the car over and approached him. You bastards! Bastards! I'll get you for chopping me down! I'll get you for cutting down trees in a protected forest! Why the hell do you think I turned myself into a tree in the state forest? Not so I could be illegally chopped down for god-damned Christmas!!” He had always hated the idea of chopping down beautiful, living trees to use for a few days and then be discarded. What the hell was wrong with the plastic ones? They could be used over and over, they saved tons of money, and nothing had to die! And if one wanted the smell of pine? Use air freshener, by God!

But Aldous was brought inside, stood up in a corner, and adorned with lights and ornaments.

Ignominy! Idiocy! he seethed. How dare they take a wizard of his standing and use him as a household decoration? It was unheard of!

As the days went by, he grew angrier and angrier. He watched the family dance around, and horrible punishments filled his brain. Dance now, you fools. Just you wait! he vowed.

Aldous was especially annoyed as he was growing severely dehydrated from lack of water. They could have at least placed my trunk in some water...I'll get them...After a large drink of that wine on the table over there...

Then New Year's Eve struck. The family sat in front of the TV next to Aldous, counting down the minutes to the new year. “Five, four, three, two, one!”

Admist the yells of joy, something odd happened. Their Christmas tree was changing.

The branches were shrinking. The bark was disappearing, and the trunk was growing feet.

Soon a very angry man stood in its place, covered in lights and decorations.

“God damn it, I hate tinsel!” He ripped a length of it from his hair, and pushed all the decorations off him in a huff. He grabbed the bottle of wine that had been tempting him for the last few days and chugged it down before the shocked spectators. Then he went right up to the father and grabbed him by the neck. “I...am...not...a...tree!” he screamed.

“Oh, my God, Wade!” the mother gasped in horror. “It's a man! And he's naked!”

“Yes, my dear! It – the tree you chopped down illegally – is a god-damned naked man! And you, Mr... Wade, was it? You, Wade, are not!”

A reddish fire exploded from the wizard's hands, enrobing the horrified father. As the man began to tense up and shrink, he tried to push away the glow that surrounded him, but he could no longer move his arms. They fell woodenly to his side, and he became wood himself, forming two round circles on his tiny cheeks...

“Shit, Dad turned into a toy soldier!” one son exclaimed.

“And you will too!” Aldous cried happily, raising his hands and bathing the rest of the family in the light.

“No! No, please!” The wizard merely laughed at their cries, grinning as they shrank away into wooden toys.

“Now you can dance all you want. I'll give you all a little wind,” he cackled, and he wound each toy up until they were all marching aimlessly about, crashing into walls and each other.

“There you go. A good way to start the year. Merry Christmas from your god-damned Christmas tree!”

Aldous pulled a stray ornament from his hair. Everything was better now. Maybe when he was a bit calmer, he'd change these idiots back. But they seemed to be having fun enough.

And now he had to face his wife.

As he prepared to leave, he glanced down at himself, realizing that he was still naked. Perhaps he ought to find himself some clothes first.  His wife would never take him seriously like this.