A Real Animal House

(Group/multiple TFs)

Max sat on his favorite bench by the lake. He was overwhelmed with the brand new experience of being a freshman in college, so he was doing what he did when life bothered him. He came out to the lake and was playing his trumpet.

Few people ever came this far into the woods off his Aunt Gena's house, and he was thankful for the solitude. College was so different than high school – in high school, he was the best musician, the science fair hero, an honors student, valedictorian – and in college, he was suddenly reduced to nothing.

When he considered pledging a fraternity, his Aunt Gena scoffed, “Oh, please, you're better than that, Max.” And he knew she was probably right, but he needed to fit in somewhere, to be accepted... Yet even in the pledge events, he could see he did not belong with the group of partying students. With them, he was ignored and unimportant, and no one seemed interested in him.

So he went off and played his trumpet by Gena's lake.

Aunt Gena was a scientist, as was her husband Jim. Sadly, they were going to be moving soon, and Max would miss them greatly. All through his life, Gena had served as his babysitter, and he couldn't wait for his mother to drop him there so he could see what crazy experiments she was working on. There was the time that Gena had turned herself into clay, and she had let him use her to make his Claymation movie for school...

The idea now made the young man blush in shame, but Gena didn't seem to have had any problem with it. “After all, I was only clay,” she had commented when he mentioned his embarrassment to her. Yes, but even as clay, he knew very well that she could still feel everything he did to her...

He played a small riff on Copland's “Fanfare for the Common Man” until a Canadian goose charged at him, honking angrily. He watched it flap off. What was that like, to fly? How amazing would it be to be a bird... Or anything other than himself...

He had often asked Gena if he could try the potion that made her into clay, but she kept telling him “When you're older and it's perfected”. Maybe she just didn't feel like making Claymation movies using him as the subject, but now she was moving, and he might never again have the chance to transform...

He had to go ask her once more.

When he rang Gena's doorbell, no one answered. He heard voices in the backyard, however, so he went back to investigate. There, a strange sight met his eyes. Two sunflowers stood in the middle of the lawn, their leaves clasped together as if they were holding hands.

“Cute,” Max said, dropping his trumpet case to the ground and moving closer to examine the plants. The flowers had not been there two days ago. Had Gena just planted them? Why in the middle of the lawn?

The right sunflower shuddered and 'let go' of the other flower's leaf. “Oh, it's just you, Max,” it said from a suddenly-visible face in the middle of the flower.

“Woah!” Max staggered back. “Is this one of your experiments, Aunt Gena?” he called towards the house. Had she invented a talking flower? Leave it to Gena...

“Yup!” said the flower. “It's the Ultimate Potion, and I used it to turn myself into a sunflower.” The flower stretched and grew into Gena, and Max began to clap in awe.

“That's even awesomer than the clay! You meant it when you said you could be other things too! I was hoping you did.”

Gena prodded the other flower. “Jim, turn back. It's Max.”

“A bit more photosynthesising, then I will, ok?” it murmured. “Hi Max,” it added, and its face disappeared.

His aunt picked up the trumpet case and led Max towards the back door. “Come on in, Max. What's up?”

As they walked inside, Max was still so intrigued by Gena's change that it took a moment for him to remember why he was even there. “Since you're moving, I wanted to ask once more–”

Gena cut him off, reaching into a cabinet. She pulled out a bottle marked “U.P.” and set it down before him on the table. “You want to transform. I kept telling you to wait. Well, you're a college student now, and I think you're mature enough to...partake.” She shoved the bottle closer. “It's yours. Just be responsible with it.”

“Can I be a flower with this one too?”

“You can be anything at all.”

Trumpet case still in hand, Max raced back to the lake. He had thought about transforming for a long time, and now that the chance was here, he was beside himself with excitement. He wanted to try this his own way all by himself, and this was the perfect place to do it. Stopping in a stand of trees on the way, he gulped some potion down and considered all the things he could be.

But his body wanted to change now.

Before he knew it, his feet were enlarging and he was growing iridescent, green, and scaly. “Wait...gotta get to the lake...” But as he crashed desperately through the woods, he knew he was not going to make it.

He needed to be a dragon. Immediately.

Dropping his trumpet case into the underbrush, he gave in to the changes, and nearly exploded into a huge dragon form. The extreme difference in size made him dizzy, and the sudden pop of a long tail from his spine was disconcerting. But he could still sense the rest of his body rearranging internally, and it felt quite nice. Meanwhile, his face had finished its elongation into a snout, and long, sharp teeth seemed to be present everywhere in his mouth. A set of wings sprouted from his back, and he flapped them in pride.

He finally had transformed! After all the dreaming about Gena's potion, and the feeling of his kneading her clay form in his hands... Oh, God, this was his aunt he was fantasizing about... He had to wipe away these thoughts...

He tried to take a step on his new legs, but, as his giant form was rather ungainly, he tripped over a log and fell to the forest floor. Tumbling onto his fat belly, he began to laugh triumphantly.

“I'm a dragon! I'm a real, true, dragon, and it feels amazing!” He drew up on his back feet, smashing his head into the treetops. Leaves showered down on him, and he shook himself off. “I'm huge! I'm awesome! And,” he gave a great beat of wings and rose into the air, “I can fly!”

Snatching up his trumpet with a sharp black claw, he completed the rest of his trek by flying. He dipped up and down, howling in excitement. How strong his dragon body was!

He bellowed a proud cry which echoed off the hills below. A second howl resulted in flames shooting from his lips, and he instinctively covered his mouth with a claw as if to stop it.

“Ha, ha! I should go burn down the houses of any of the people who ever were nasty to me!” he joked. But trifles in his human life did not matter now. As a dragon, he had never felt this free. This was the life! This was better than going to college! This was better than being human!

When he neared the lake, he landed in the water, his feet hitting bottom in the very deep middle. “I'm the Lochness Monster – ooo, no way! It's happening again!” His body quickly rearranged to match his proclamation.

He had shrunk somewhat, but his buoyant monster-form was still quite grand. The lake was his, and he swam laps back and forth until he tired himself out. He then crawled out of the water, resting on the shore as an alligator.

The setting sun was warm on his scales, and he considered remaining this way until the potion wore off, whenever that was. But tomorrow was Friday, and his nine-o'clock biology lab took attendance.

But no matter. On this campus, Max would soon be king.

Gena had warned him to be responsible. And he intended to. But if the potion could help make him happier at school, then wouldn't she want this for him?

That night, the frat was having its annual shared party with the sorority house across the street. All the pledges would be there as well. And this was where Max would make himself known.

He approached Ken, the president of the house. “Ken, question. Will there be a punch bowl at the party tonight?”

The boy, blonde, blue-eyed, and straight out of the movie “Animal House”, studied him with amusement. “Dude, it's a kegger.”

“Oh, just beer?”

“Listen, uh...” The teen looked blank for several seconds until Max prompted him.

“Max, I'm Max.”

“Yeah, Max. That's what we do at frats. We drink beer.”

“I figured with the girls–”

“The girls drink beer too.”

Max wondered for not the first time if Gena had been right. Perhaps these guys were not quite of his caliber...

“What did you want to ask me, Mike?”

“Well,” Max hesitated, ignoring Ken's misnomer. “Can I add something to it?”

The boy's reaction was as if he had won the lottery. “Dude, what? To the beer? You have...connections...?”

Connections? What the hell was this guy talking about? Did he think he was a drug dealer or something? Max was beginning to think that all the jokes and movies about fraternity brothers weren't so far off from reality. “Yes,” he began haltingly, as if speaking to a confused old man, “It's a...drug...that...makes you...think...you've turned into whatever you want.”

Ken did not even hesitate in the least. Apparently this made all the sense in the world to him. “Really? That sounds awesome. Let's do it. I wanna be all kinds of stuff. Come into the kitchen later and we'll spike the kegs.”

Max gulped.

The music already blared in the main hall of the frat, and boys were clambering about the kitchen. Ken guided Max as he added the potion to each keg, a proud smile on his face. “Dude, thanks so much for getting that stuff. I can't wait to try it out!”

“You'll love it,” Max said with a wink.

When the kegs were carted out and set up in the “party room”, a cheer rose from the gathered frat brothers. “Gimme some!” demanded a big senior known only as Spike. His name was derived from the spiked chin piercing that was half-buried under his goatee.

Another boy named Hunter pushed away the Spike's hand. “No, we wait for the ladies!”

“Where the hell are your manners, Spikey?” jeered a third teen named Jackson.

Ken stood up on a small podium before them and cleared his throat. “Hey guys! This stuff that...um...” He glanced down at Max.

“Max,” Max mumbled in annoyance.

“...Max gave us, makes you think you turn into stuff. How cool is that?”

“AWESOME!” was the overwhelming response.

Matt, another pledge and one of the few Max liked, nudged him. “Where'd you get something like that? Is it LSD or something?”

Max smiled. “My aunt's a scientist.”

“Okay...” Not receiving any further explanation, Matt shrugged.

It was hard for the brothers to keep their hands from the beer, but they managed to for the few minutes that were necessary. When the long-awaited knock and accompanying girlish screams emanated from the outside, the boys didn't even wait for the sorority sisters to enter. “Girls!” howled Spike, and there was a beeline for the kegs.

The door burst open, flooding the hall with scantily-dressed women.

“Hey everyone!” yelled Britney, the too-blonde president of Delta Sigma Epsilon. Clad in a tight dress and knee-high boots, she caught the attention of every male in the room. Most of the boys salivated at her for a few seconds, then quickly resumed their quest for alcohol.

The girls joined the crowd at the kegs, and all partook.

Max grinned. It was only a matter of time now.

Beer running down his chin, Ken stood at the head of the hall. In one hand was a cup, the other was wrapped around his girlfriend Chastity. “Hey, everyone! So the awesomeness of this beer is compliments of Steve...”

“Max,” Matt called out.

“Yes. Meg is a pledge here. “He's awesome. Now,” he took a swig of his beer. “Oh, God I love beer.” A snigger went up from the crowd as he then emptied the cup down his throat. Wiping his lips with his sleeve, he added, “Hey, I forgot to say to the girls, this stuff...makes you like...think you turned into stuff.”

“Cool!” was their scholarly response.

“Yeah, I want to be Gabriella's pants!” yelled one of the boys in the very back of the crowd. “Give me some of that beer!”

“Get Al some beer!” Ken cried, and the crowd parted to let the brother over to the kegs.

“The beer...I love it...need more...” Ken was swiftly growing inebriated, and Chastity was not far behind. As Al filled his cup nearby, Ken poked at himself. He looked as if his body was growing blurry.

“Hey, Ken,” Chastity pulled away from him with alarm. “What's that...I mean, it's cool, but...”

“Oh, Chas,” he groaned, his body becoming yellow and transparent. “...I need to be beer!”

With a huge moan, his whole body transformed into a quaking tower of liquid, which then collapsed to the floor in a puddle.

“Ken, I thought you just think it turned you into stuff!” Chastity peered down at her boyfriend, whose face had formed in the liquid.

“Damn, this is good. This is so good!” it sighed.

Max walked over, staring down in awe. His aunt's potion was truly amazing! This puddle was actually sentient, and was originally flesh and blood!

“Hey, Max!” said the puddle gratefully. Apparently transforming into an alcoholic beverage had helped boost Ken's memory.

The boys and girls crowded around the rippling liquid, and it let out a burp.

“A burping beer!” Sorority vice president Casey shouted. At her cry, several bubbles followed through the liquid.

“Max, I thought it just made you think stuff. Not other people,” repeated a very bewildered Chastity.

“Well, it...makes you think you see others doing it too...” Max stuttered.

“Oh my God, what's that?” gasped the puddle, and Max turned to see several girls poking their fingers into it. “Do that more! It's like...erotic!” it begged.

One girl put her finger in her mouth and giggled. “Ken, you taste so good!”

Wait! What happened if she drank him? Would he die? “Stop!” Max cried, but a girl named Kaylee had already thrown her face into the puddle of Ken and was lapping him up like a dog.

“Ken! Are you okay?” Max cried.

The puddle looked up at him. “Dude, this is the most freaky experience EVER! I'm going down her throat, but I'm also still here on the floor, I'm like...everywhere, and...oh, Kaylee, please get drunk on me...”

Kaylee was rubbing her stomach in delight. “Oh, I'm so full of you, Ken. You feel so good in my tummy, and you're making me feel all light and...sparkly...”

Max turned and walked away. Sparkly? This was too disgusting. He just hoped that being consumed wouldn't kill the fraternity president. Not that that would be a great loss to the world...

However, he doubted that Gena would have given the potion to him if there was any real danger involved. Ken would be fine...most likely...

Feeling guilty, Max walked over to the couch and sat down. But he knew he couldn't stand by and watch Ken die, if there was even the slightest chance of it. He had to call Gena and make sure Ken would be alright.

As he pulled out his phone, two girls walked in. One was Carla, a wide-eyed pledge who was also his biology class lab partner. He loved her intelligence, quiet beauty, and wit, and could not understand why she was pledging a sorority.

But, after all, he was pledging a fraternity...

Carla was accompanied by Harmony, who always dressed in pink, and somehow managed to have a small lap dog with her whenever possible. It reminded him of the girl in that “Clueless” movie from way back. He wondered how she managed to avoid any no-pets rules.

“I can't wait to get so wasted! Right, snuggly-wuggly?” she chirped to her dog.

Carla came and sat down next to him while Harmony bounded off in search of alcohol. Max blinked after her in silent amazement. “I don't know how you put up with that girl,” he said.

“Oh, she's harmless. A bit loopy, but harmless.”

“Her dog's outfit matches her own.”

“She loves the dog, what can I say?”

Max put his phone away, forgetting why he even had it out. Carla was here now. She had come straight to him and sat down beside him...It had to mean she had some interest in him...

“I hear you have some special beer here?”

“Yup.”

“I don't like beer.”

“You have to try this stuff. You'll love it.”

“Hmm.” She scrutinized him, as if trying to read his thoughts. “You mean it, don't you?”

Smiling, he inched slightly closer. “Yes. I can't tell you how much I really mean it.”

She smirked. “Well,” she did not move away. “I – Oh, hi, Britney.”

The sorority president swaggered by, followed by several boys. “Oh, hey...pledge,” she tossed off, without looking Carla's way.

“Bitch,” Carla said under her breath, making Max chuckle.

Britney paused to rearrange her dress, and one of her suitors shook his head. “Damn...if only I could be that dress–” Before he could finish his sentence, his whole form fizzled into a light which penetrated every pore of the tight garment.

“OO!” Britney exclaimed, grasping at the material. “What happened? It's all warm and...moving!”

A grinning face appeared mid-dress. “That's cause I turned into your dress! The stuff in the beer really works!” it cried contentedly. “I can't tell you how good it is to be all tight around your perfect body, Brit!”

The girl rubbed at the dress, which purred and quivered. “Oh, you feel so good on me, Bron! Move some more!”

At Britney's increasingly intense squeals, the dress felt the need to boast, “Ha, ha, Jackson, Kirk, Dwayne, you always wanted to touch these breasts? Well I, Bron Lakeland the Third, am officially all over them!”

“Turn me into her bra!” yelled Kirk. With a rush, he was gone, and some movement took place under Bron's material. A muffled “Oooooo...” issued forth from the dress's front.

“Hey, dude!” the garment said. “Good to have you under me for...support!” The two articles of clothing snickered drunkenly.

“Damn, Dwayne,” Jackson said, his words slurred. “Let's be her boots!”

And soon the two boots, replete with faces, massaged at Britney's soles.

“Oh my God guys, it's like...you're wrapped around my legs!”

“I love wrapping you, Britney,” one part of Britney's outfit muttered. Max wasn't sure which it was.

One more boy, Friedrich, Britney's ex, staggered over to her. “I'm your underwear, babe!”

Britney's eyes bulged out as her panties suddenly grew very animated, and she quickly escaped upstairs with her living outfit.

“Can't even imagine what'll go on up there,” mumbled Matt, walking over to Carla and Max and sitting down.

“Did you have any beer, Matt?” Max asked politely, ignoring Carla's shocked stare.

“Not yet. But I see it really does transform people, huh? Your aunt is an amazing scientist. I can't believe it's possible.”

“It's real?” Carla gasped.

Max nodded. “You saw it with your own eyes. And it's great.”

Carla jumped up. “I want to try!”

As Carla rose, Harmony plunked down next to them with her dog. Max and Matt looked at each other, wondering why the girl was bothering with them.

She wasn't. Pulling a bag from her pink pocketbook, she uttered, “Libby-puppy wants treaties!” She removed the dog from its carrying case and placed it on the floor. Then she plunked a pink bowl beside the animal and filled it with treats, which the dog set on hungrily.

Harmony observed her like a loving mother. “I love her so much. Sometimes I wish we could switch places so I could be her...Ooh, why'm I so tingly?”

A great light came over the girl and her dog, and Max and Matt staggered backwards in awe. “Weeee!” they heard from inside the glow, and the light died away.

“Why'm I on the floor now?” said the dog.

“Arf!” said the girl beside them.

“I'm so cute! I'm a doggy, everyone! Look at me! I turned into Libby!” The dog was following around several of the girls, while the confused real Libby, now in Harmony's body, kept barking.

“Ha, ha! She's hot!” pointed out one of the boys. “That girl's barking like a dog!”

“Cool! That's sexy!”

Eventually Libby the human went over and lapped up the rest of the beer that was Ken. Then she passed out. No one seemed to care.

“Harmony turned into a dog! I want to be a horse!” Chastity cried.

The girl stretched into horse form. “I'm getting such a silky mane to match this tail...Oh, someone brush me!” Whinnying with delight, she pushed her way through the door and trotted outside. Two other girls also followed her lead, one becoming a mare, the other a stallion.

“Oh, God, you think they'll...”

“Matt, I don't want to know,” Max uttered, viewing the new horses as they galloped off. What had he done here? Had he really proven anything other than the fact that these drunken teens were...idiots?

Their attention was drawn to two young men fondling a girl on a nearby couch. One uttered, “You'd be a perfect statue. Please. Make yourself one so we can rub you as hard as we want...”

Moaning, the girl stiffened into grinning, perfect marble which continued to shake as the men stroked it.

Priscilla, Spike's sister, observed this with envy. “That looks great, but I think I want to be beer like Ken.” As she changed to liquid, Spike's roommate Mitch turned into a beer bottle for her. She allowed herself to be sucked into his glass interior, and they were both quite happy. “You're so comfy,” she moaned from inside. “I'm like a liquid genie!”

Max coughed, rolling his eyes derisively. Matt made a choking sound.

They stood up to see what was going on on the other side of the room. Little by little the place was emptying out of people, however it was gaining all kinds of odd animals and objects. Organisms warm- and cold-blooded alike stamped and fluttered about. A snake slithered over the remote control, trying to turn on the TV. “Someone who still has fingers, please turn on the game!” it hissed, and a xenomorph was able to help him. Together they watched the screen, content in their new forms.

Max tripped over a barbell, which yelled, “Hey, can you use me instead of falling over me?”

“Who the hell would want to be a barbell?” Matt questioned.

“I don't do weights,” Max tossed off, and continued on, ignoring the object's further pleas.

They came upon Tieve, a foreign-exchange student who was obsessed with everything environmental. Right now he was not quite human; in fact he looked as if he were favoring a barrel-like form. “Can you help me, guys?”

“What are you turning into?'

“I wanted to wait until I got outside, but my body...it just needed to...become...”

“A what?”

Suddenly, with a loud crack, Tieve transformed completely. “Ah,” he said, relieved. “I knew I'd make an amazing rain barrel.”

Matt raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

Max again was thinking twice about joining these people. With this amazing chance to be literally anything, why be a rain barrel? Granted, everyone was pretty drunk, but he assumed lowering their inhibitions would allow their true wishes to come forward.

But turning into a barbell was someone's deepest wish?

Grunting, Matt picked up the new rain barrel. “I'll be right back.”

“Thanks dude,” it said. “Put me right under the gutter by the porch. I'll get filled in seconds.”

Now Matt rolled his eyes.

When Matt left, Kellyann, who had arranged the refreshments, came out of the kitchen carrying several trays. “Oh,” she smiled, placing them on a table near the kegs. “I couldn't help myself – I already ate a ton of stuff. I'm such a pig – OO!”

With a pop, her pants tore off, and her belly exploded out. She tapped on it and giggled. “Look at me!” She grasped at her backside in joy. “I got a twisty tail that I can move...Hooves...I'm gonna be a cute little piggy...Want it bad...” There was a snap, and a pig now stood in her place. “Oink!” she trotted in a circle, surveying herself happily.

“Hope everyone's kosher around here,” Max murmured aloud. But no one was really available to laugh at his quip. The remaining girls, including Carla, were circled around Gabriella, whose pants were wriggling and talking to her.

“I'm wearing Al,” she called out to Max, and he nodded. Did he really care? He had given all these kids the chance to transcend their forms and be something astonishing, and they had squandered it on becoming talking pants...

“Tell them about how you were babysitting, and the Cookie Monster guy scared you,” said her pants.

“OMG! Well, this real sicko guy's job was to dress up as Cookie Monster at this kids' playplace...” she paused, her face swiftly turning blue. “I want to be soft, and furry like that...it must be dreamy...”

“Oh, yes, Gabby! Turn yourself into Cookie monster! It would be hysterical!”

“Yes...I need to...”

Max's mouth fell open in sheer amazement. Really? The girl was going to be a muppet?

Matt returned right then. “What did I miss?”

“This.” Max indicated the half-girl, half-monster.

“Really?” Matt gulped. “Just...really?”

She was shrinking, ratty blue fur sprouting while the feminine shape of her body was lost. Her eyes popped into googly-eyes, and the muppet shrieked, “COOOKIE!!!”

Yes, it was Cookie Monster in the flesh.

The girls were in an uproar. “I'll be your cookie!” one volunteered. She fell to the floor, now a giggling chocolate chip cookie. Several of the others followed suit. Spike came by, gaping at the treats bouncing around on the floor. “Oh, man. We need milk.” Immediately, his eyes sparkled, and his body began to shift. He was on all fours, growing fur and ripping out of his clothes.

He looked down at his growing belly. “Damn, I'm getting udders. Love it.”

The new cow smiled down at the cookies. “I'll give you the tastiest milk ever,” it said in a female voice.

Then the muppet set to messily eating her friends.

Listening to their ecstatic squeals, Matt exclaimed, “Oh, God, Max, they're enjoying it! But will they die?”

Disgusted, Max mumbled, “Big loss there.” But nonetheless, he finally dialed up Gena. “Can I...turn into food and have someone eat me?” Pondering his own words, he snorted, guessing that this had to be the most bizarre question that had ever escaped his lips.

If Gena sensed his worry, she didn't let on. “Yes,” she simply said. “They can be whatever they want, wherever they want. When they're done being food, wherever they are in his system, they'll just appear outside of him.”

“As human or food? Wait – they? How'd you know I'm talking about other people?”

“I know. I was in college once. I figured you'd share. Those 'other people' will appear back in whatever form they want. This is the Ultimate Potion. It does anything. It lasts for forty-eight hours, though, and then they're back to normal.”

“Too bad. Spike is much nicer as a milk cow.”

“Anyone human even left in here?” Max called out.

“Let's see,” suggested Matt. “I'm curious what became of Britney, in particular.” They traipsed upstairs and began to open doors. One room held several monkeys, which were somersaulting through bunk beds and hanging from the lights. The next room was quiet, populated with all types of glassware – some in human form, some not.

Matt picked a colorful vase. “Pretty.”

The vase winked at him. “Thanks!”

Matt quickly placed it back down on the floor, trying not to drop it.

The bathroom was in an uproar- the oversized bathtub teemed with fish and other aquatic creatures, while several unidentified animals flopped around in the closed shower stall. “I can't open the shower door. I don't even want to know what's in there,” said Matt, and Max agreed wholeheartedly.

When they finally discovered the room Britney had escaped to with her clothes, they found her motionless on the bed, the clothes still writhing on her. Her blank eyes gazed forward, and her skin was shiny plastic.

“She turned herself into a mannequin?” Matt asked confusedly. “Why?”

“Why ask why?” Max shook his head and closed the door on the odd sight. “They're all happy in their new forms. What does it matter?” But it did matter. Britney's cold mannequin stare left him spooked, and he would be happy if he never had to see her again – human or not.

They made their way downstairs. As they walked through the stickiness that was the remainder of Ken, someone streaked by. A metallic red, the boy was a strange amalgamation of machine and person. “Get out of the way! Quick! I have to become a car! Please!”

Fascinated, Max and Matt followed him outside to see the boy crouch down on the ground. Already he was nearing car-size, a wheel dangling from each strangely-twisted arm and leg. “Make me into a car! Turn me into a sports car! Yes! Yes!” The teen's eyes grew wide and stretched into headlights, his body solidified into metal and glass, and the happy new car let out a sigh of relief. “Finally, after all these years, I'm absolutely perfect,” it said.

“Let's drive him! Hunter's a car!” A griffin and a hydra jumped in and drove off the humming vehicle.

And then Carla walked outside.

Max drew up in surprise, wondering where she had been. “Carla! You didn't change yet?”

Matt quietly went back inside to leave the two alone.

“Not yet, but I drank, and I'm ready to.”

“Carla, I can't believe I did this. I'm trying to be something I'm not, and you are too. What a waste of potion. We don't belong with these idiots. Why are we doing this? I mean...Cookie Monster?”

Carla chuckled. “You know, after eating everyone, she turned herself into a plush stuffed Cookie Monster. Now she's just lying there, occasionally moaning in ecstasy.”

“Idiots,” Max repeated. He glanced at the girl, wishing he could just run off with her. She was perfect for him, and he needed her...

It was now or never.

“Carla, it's been a while, and I wanted to ask you--”

But the door banged open, and there was Matt, shuddering and furry. “I drank it,” he pushed out of what looked like a wolf's snout.

“Oh, Matt...wait a second...maybe I'll join you, I just have to ask Carla if...”

Groaning, Matt fell to all fours. “Gotta...turn into...something...”

“Wait, I'll...”

“Make me into a wolf!”

The transformation was almost immediate. A tail shot out of his friend's shrinking backside, and his furry hands and feet became paws. With a gleeful, “Finally!” The new wolf perked up his ears, then dove off into the woods without looking back.

“Okay...” Max bowed his head, let down. Being a wolf with his friend might be fun, but he had more important issues to attend to right now.

“He came out so beautifully,” Carla said in a jealous voice.

“Yeah, he loves wolves. He told me he always wished he could be one.”

Carla's form flickered, and she giggled. “OO! That tickles all over! I think I need to change too.”

“Wait, Carla,” Max grasped her arm. “I wanted to ask you...”

She stepped back from him, clutching her hands to her chest and shuddering violently. “What, Max? What? Hurry! I can't...hold it back...”

“Will... you...go out...with...”

“OH!” In what seemed like a magician's trick, Carla's form simply imploded, leaving a bluebird behind. It let out an ecstatic chirp, and fluttered away.

Max ran after her. “Wait, Carla! Wait! Don't leave me yet! I'm asking you out! Can't you just...”

But the bird was becoming a blue speck in the distance. “Gotta follow her...gotta change...” Max dashed into the house, intent on drinking some of the beer/potion. When he saw that he had gained feathers already, he paused, smacking himself on the head. “I'm so stupid! It lasts forty-eight hours. I still have some potion in me from yesterday!”

He ran back out, but Carla was long gone.

Shrugging away the unwanted feathers, Max stood in the darkness, watching the continuing parade of strange animals and creatures going in and out of the house. The lawn itself was full of oddities. Right beside him were two plants ensconced in a grinning flowerpot. The potting soil was laughing as it squirmed around their stems, and the two plants were so intertwined in each other, Max couldn't tell them apart. And he didn't even want to know what they were doing...moving around, making those sounds... Plants couldn't physically mate, could they?

When a centaur ambled by, greeting him with an, “Everyone thinks you're awesome, Mike,” Max didn't even bother to correct him. He didn't care what these idiots thought anymore.

“I'm so done here,” he muttered.

Some time after midnight, Max was back at the lake, trumpet case in hand. He placed it on the ground for a moment and slowly allowed himself to change.

Groaning in pleasure, he bent down onto all fours and allowed his legs to transform first. As they enlarged, he grew in height and girth, and his skin darkened and thickened. His neck stretched to an unthinkable length, his skull grew long, and his jaw sprouted teeth like no animal possessed in the present era. His new tail exploded out in one fell swoop, and he flapped it back and forth proudly.

He made a damned impressive dinosaur, and he was proud of it.

“The hell with a frat,” he growled. He picked up his trumpet with a claw and somehow, even with the mouth of a T-Rex, he still managed to play.